BECOME THE LOVE YOU ARE CALLING IN
An Interview with
Katherine Woodward Thomas
By Randy Peyser
Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A. MFT, is the author of the national bestseller Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life, a licensed psychotherapist, the co-creator of the Calling in “The One” online course, the creator of the Conscious Uncoupling online course, and co-leader of the Feminine Power Global Community, a thriving transformative learning community serving thousands of women worldwide. Over 5000 people have attended her virtual 7-week courses co-created with teaching partner, Claire Zammit. www.CallingInTheOne.net
Recently, Katherine created a new course, “Conscious Un-coupling” www.ArtOfConsciousCompletion.com. In this powerful body of work, Katherine helps people heal breakup grief, and evolve beyond core patterns that have sabotaged awakened love so that they can have a clear slate from which to call in “The One.”
Calling in “The One” was given to me as a birthday gift. My ten-year relationship had tanked, and my former partner and I wanted to move on romantically in healthy ways while maintaining our friendship.
As I read Calling in “The One” and started doing the exercises that Katherine presents, I immediately felt a sense of excitement, as though it might really be possible to manifest what I call, my “Divine Right Partner.”
Randy Peyser: I understand 13,000 people attended your recent teleseminar.
Katherine Woodward Thomas: That was my first Conscious Uncoupling teleseminar. People are hungry for good ways to “uncouple” since so many are suffering from prolonged grief and are reticent to open their hearts again. I wanted to create a program that would release the trauma of a breakup and help people get out of pain, as well as teach them how to separate in ways that do minimal damage to each person, the community and the children.
Randy: I guess before you can Call in “The One,” you have to let go of your past.
Katherine: I always say your next relationship won’t begin when you meet your next partner, but with how you end your last one! Conscious Uncoupling is about midwifing the greatest possibilities for healing and transformation that the breakup affords. When a relationship ends, your heart breaks open. Inside of us exists what I call, “the original source fracture,” which is the original break in your heart. You can use that opening and pain of that break to awaken to the deeper truth of who you are. During a breakup, you can actually reset that wound from the very core.
Randy: Doesn’t time heal all wounds?
Katherine: People think if their heart is broken, time will heal it. That wouldn’t be true if you broke your leg. Just as you wouldn’t let your leg flap in the wind in whatever direction the breeze was blowing and wait for time to make it better, you don’t want to do that with your heart either. And what’s now possible in doing this well is that you can grow yourself healthier and happier than you’ve ever been, and stop duplicating that old pattern and playing out that story again and again.
Randy: What about betrayal?
Katherine: We chose our former partner because we thought he or she was going to fix our original wounding. For this reason, we opened ourselves and let them into our hearts. Yet instead of healing us, they duplicated that wounding. And that can feel like a deep betrayal.
Randy: What are some mistakes we make when a relationship ends?
Katherine: I have identified three breakup mistakes that cause suffering, steal joy, and prevent future love.
The first one involves the primitive emotional response of hating our former partner. The majority of us believe it’s natural to feel this way. But it’s a primitive response — an evolutionary relic from the past meant to help us separate from that person. Yet, we wind up devaluing ourselves and the other person in the process. When we make them wrong, close our hearts, and diminish the relationship we shared, we also prevent ourselves from accessing the powerful evolution possible in this grieving process.
Yet, most of us, even we who are conscious, do this. A friend who is hurting will call and we will say, “He’s an idiot,” or “You deserve so much better than that jerk.” It’s automatic. But it’s a mistake to devalue another and not give ourselves the opportunity to experience healthy completion.
The second mistake people make has to do with blaming your former partner. Breakups are traumatic. Like car wrecks, you can have a fender-bender after dating someone for just three months, or you can experience a huge wreck where you feel like you barely made it out of that relationship alive. This occurs when something shocking happens, like the person stole $30,000 from you, was having multiple affairs, or had another family elsewhere.
When traumas happen, one mechanism of the psyche is to try to integrate the shock. To do this, we’ll tell and retell the story about what just happened. Yet, unfortunately, we’ll usually do this from a victimized perspective. The problem with repeatedly telling the story from this perspective is that we will not graduate from the role we ourselves played in the dynamic.
Until we take responsibility for our part in how that situation was created — all the covert ways we colluded with our own victimization — we are liable to repeat the same thing again with someone new. Or sometimes, in trying to take responsibility, we will do it in a way that will turn into self-hatred or self-blame. We’ll ask ourselves, “Why am I such an idiot? What’s wrong with me that I keep doing this over and over?” That’s not the kind of self-reflection that leads to growth and evolution.
If we don’t learn how to reflect in empowered ways upon our own collusion in the dynamic, we won’t evolve out of that dynamic and be able to trust ourselves to love again. We may go through life feeling defended and shut down. On some level, we won’t really trust ourselves. We might say something like, “I don’t trust men,” but what we really mean is “I don’t trust myself, I don’t trust the people I am attracting, and I don’t trust the choices I make.”
The third mistake is what we touched upon earlier, which is that time will heal a broken heart. Time will diminish acute pain, but time alone is inadequate to help us navigate our loss in a way that empowers us to recreate the life and love we really want to have.
Randy: Is forgiveness involved in the act of conscious uncoupling?
Katherine: Yes, we start by breaking up victimization. When we are victimized, we’re filled with resentment and anger. But we only resent people to the extent that we have given our power away to them. We must be willing to examine what happened from the perspective of being 100% responsible for our own experience and behavior. Many times our collusion was subtle like this:
“I didn’t speak up.
“I had my attention on the other person and constantly abandoned myself.”
“I didn’t express my feelings or my needs.”
“I was over-giving as a way of trying to prove my value.”
“I didn’t make sure there was reciprocity in the connection.”
“I got over-invested in someone who was not investing in me.”
We need to name the ways we co-created the dynamic, take full responsibility, and make an amends to ourselves by making a decision about how we are going to be from now on, and how we are going to show up in our relationships in new ways. Then you want to look to discover all the ways you actually set the other person up to replay out your original sad story in love. At that point, forgiveness becomes organic. You lose the need for that person to apologize because you have already started making an amends to yourself and you understand that that is really the amends most necessary.
Randy: That is a very powerful place to get to.
Katherine: That’s the place of freedom.
Randy: Is there really such a thing as “The One,” or is it more about finding “The Next One,” for however long “The Next One” turns out to be?
Katherine: We’re collectively still inside the “happily-ever-after myth.” That myth originated when the lifespan was 35 years old, mostly because half the population died before age sixteen. In that world, it was a good idea for couples to stay together to give the children the best chance to survive. The happily-ever-after myth was appropriate for that time, but it’s not appropriate for now.
Relationships and the purpose of relationships have changed more in the last fifty years than in the previous 5000 years. The purpose of relationship used to be economic advancement, survival, and security. At this pivotal time of planetary transformation, we’re experiencing multiple breakdowns, but we’re also experiencing multiple opportunities for new structures in consciousness to emerge inside of those breakdowns.
Our focus has shifted into the creation of a future for humanity, that is, to become midwives of possibility for a new world. How many of us feel an impulse to create, to express, to bring things of beauty, goodness, care, and well-being into our lives and into the world?
Women in western civilization are the most educated and powerful women to ever walk the face of the earth. We’re moving from what Barbara Marx Hubbard calls, “The Feminine Pro-creator” to the “Feminine Co-creator.” The men are part of this, too. What the world needs are men and women who have awakened to the fullness of their potential, who serve the greater vision, and who are midwifing into the manifest world that which does not yet exist, including structures for connection and care, new ways of communicating, and new ways of working together in partnership to bring things forward.
There’s a new orientation in relationship, which is spiritual partnership. Spiritual partnership is about two people coming together to mutually support one another to realize each person’s deeper potentials to make their greatest contributions.
Inside this new paradigm, the game is no longer about staying together for the sake of the family. The happily-ever-after myth is outdated. Yet, it is the still covert standard that we hold ourselves and others accountable to.
Randy: I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want that happily-ever-after relationship.
Katherine: It is ingrained in our consciousness. I’m an advocate for committed, long-term relationship. In fact, over 50% of first marriages are staying together. However, statistics also show that at this point in our collective evolution, most of us will have two or three partners over our lifetimes. We have to learn to do completions well. That’s the reality of our time.
Randy: Did you find your One?
Katherine: My story is magical, relating to how my Calling in “The One” course came into being. I had many problems in relationships. I always chose unavailable men, and this confused me because I felt smart, pretty, sexy, and giving.
I set an intention one time in a group of friends to be engaged by my 42nd birthday, which was 8 months away. At the time, I had no prospects. But I knew enough to not just run out and try to find love. Rather, I chose to go within and discover all my barriers against love and take responsibility for my patterns.
My focus became not on finding someone, but on becoming the woman I would need to be to receive that person into my life. That was the beginning of the Calling in “The One” process. I meditated and listened every day from a deep place of receptivity. I asked myself:
“What do I need to see about myself?”
“What do I need to give up?”
“What do I need to cultivate?”
“What risks do I need to take to show up in a different way?”
When I would get an insight about a counter-productive way
I was behaving, I gave up the right to behave in that old way.
Randy: That’s a very empowering stance to take.
Katherine: We are insight-oriented, but we don’t always integrate our insights and show up in new ways that are reflective of what it is we want to create. I was showing up in a way that was future-focused. I would vision and imagine what it would feel like in my body to have the love I wanted. Then I’d show up as that woman.
During this process, I kept feeling I should call a man I had dated six years earlier. I had always thought of him as “the one who got away.” A week later, I saw him in the parking lot at the Agape church. But I had a “shy attack” and left. Two weeks later, a dear friend convinced me to get online. This was at a time when people were not online like they are now. No one even had their pictures up back then. I was mortified, but coachable.
There were a quarter of a million people on that site. Eighty potential matches came up. I responded to only one person. It was completely anonymous, and I had no idea who this person was since there were no pictures. Of course, it was the same man I’d dated six years before. We were engaged within two months and married the next year. I had my daughter the following year at the age of 43.
Randy: Has it lasted?
Katherine: We had a beautiful marriage for ten years. When we came together it was inside of a clear sense of mission, purpose, and calling, and not necessarily “until death do us part.” We committed to supporting each other to realize our deeper calling, to bring our gifts to the world, and to midwife each other’s potentials. Now we are extremely good friends and we are co-parenting our daughter very successfully. Calling in “The One” and Conscious Uncoupling are modeled on this very precious relationship with my former husband.
Randy: What is your wish for people looking for “The One”?
Katherine: My desire for all of us is to find those who can see the deeper truth of who we are, and who are standing with and for us to become the people we are called to be. In love, my desire is that we each find that partner who can inspire us to do our best, who believes in us and is up underneath us so we may realize the deeper potentials we hold for life and love. My deepest hope is that we find a partner we are inspired to give and receive this kind of love from. That is the vision I have for all of us.
For a free audio about Conscious Uncoupling, visit: www.ArtOfConsciousCompletion.com. For a free audio about Calling in “The One,” visit: www.CallingInTheOne.net
Randy Peyser is the author of The Power of Miracle Thinking, www.MiracleThinking.com. She also edits books and helps people find agents and publishers. www.AuthorOneStop.com