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Awareness Magazine
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The Universal Attractant

By Kathryn Alice



A recent study on attraction revealed something surprising. When a large sample of single people was quizzed about what they found appealing, preferences differed wildly.

Only one quality was deemed attractive across the board: confidence. Self-esteem is irresistible, which is why I call it “The Universal Attractant.”

Not only is belief in yourself a powerful force, but it is a predictor of success not just in romance but in abundance, career and many other areas of life.

If there is one change we could make to improve our lives, it is boosting our self-image. We begin life quite secure but over time, most of us are questioned: doubted by parents, belittled in school, and confidence begins to slip. Research confirms how widespread self-esteem issues are in the U.S.

Signs of insecurity include: constantly monitoring yourself for appropriateness, putting others on a pedestal or belittling them to feel better about yourself. The insecure tend to fall into two categories: doormats and overcompensators.

The doormats give away too much of themselves, have few boundaries and are people-pleasers in attempts to gain the approval they can’t find within. They tend to think everyone is better than them. Anyone attractive to a doormat is (in their eyes) hopelessly out of their league. The overcompensators project cockiness or defensiveness to make up for the self-assurance they don’t feel. They seek mates to make up for the self-image they don’t have – i.e. a trophy wife — an object rather than a soulmate.


Here are 3 steps to rediscover the self-confidence you were born with:

1. Become inner- rather than other-directed. Self-assurance requires that we quit caring what others think. Being other-directed means that you seek societal approval, an impossible goal. You can never make anyone but yourself happy.

As you find your own inner guidance and sense of self, true confidence can emerge. Unraveling the pattern of caring what others think is key to rock-solid security.

A Los Angeles psychologist Dr. Joyce Aronsohn’s sums it up nicely:

“Never give away your self-image to anyone.”

It seems an anomaly that giving up the need for approval will result in more of it, but that’s what happens. Nothing is quite as irresistible as someone convinced of their own worth.

2. Cease self-denigration. Do not allow belittling around you. At some point in a young life, questioning voices around us are internalized. No longer do we need outward criticism. It is engrained within, so you constantly look for things you have done wrong or self-flagellate with critical thoughts like “I am so stupid.”

Begin catching yourself when you go down that road of criticizing yourself, stop the voice and substitute it with a better one that says things like:

“I’m doing the best I can.”

“I’m only human.”

“I’m learning.” or...

“I’ll do better next time.”

It can be even harder to draw boundaries with others who patronize you. When you are a people-pleaser, you attract friends who will gladly receive your overgiving and are used to criticizing you freely. At first you can feel mean and find resistance from those used to treating you badly. But you must force yourself to raise your standards of how you are treated in order to attract better into your life.

3. Rebuild your self-image and self-acceptance. Begin to notice the things you do well and your value. List compliments you get as well as your successes and virtues such as kindness, sensitivity and patience. Think back over the reasons that past loves have said they adore you.

And when you do fall short, give yourself a break. Realize that your so-called weaknesses can endear you to others and that your soulmate will find them “cute” rather than repulsive. None of us are perfect. Accepting yourself “as is” without needing to embellish yourself or lie about who you are is a key to feeling lovable and attracting not only love, but all the things you want into your life.



As you take these steps, you will notice changes in your life:

• More energy as you cease trying to prove yourself to anyone

• Admiration and potential loves pursuing you

• You will ask for that long overdue raise

• No longer will you worry that your good will slip through your hands or is too good to be true. You’ll know that you are deserving, and that it’s here to stay.

• No one will have the ability to bully you or guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do.

• You will take care of yourself first, knowing that giving away more than you have will only result in your own depletion.

• No one will be above you in life’s hierarchy from your new perspective. If they’re on a pedestal, you’re there right along-side them as equals.

One of my clients connected with a man who she felt was too good to be true. He adored her, but she was not used to dating someone so dazzling. She ended up in the emergency room with severe stomach pains, a panic attack due to her fear he would leave her and find someone else while on a trip. She had to raise her self-image to the point that she understood she deserved him. While on the trip, he had been planning a romantic proposal, which he enacted upon his return. The two are now married and have children.

Her happy ending can be your own as you embark upon your most important journey — restoring your self-confidence. As you do, you put the Universal Attractant to work in your life, and before you know it, everything you have wanted will land in your lap!

Kathryn Alice is author of the bestselling book Love Will Find You. She teaches in 50 cities and on 5 continents. Tens of thousands have found love with her work. To find out more, visit: