By Lynn Seiser
Awareness of the Positive Behind What Women Hate About Men (In preparation for this article, I asked my wife what it was that women hated most about men. She refused to answer on the grounds that she had to live with me. Just the type of response I needed to let me know I was going in the right direction. Please be forewarned gentle reader, this article is written with a sense of humor since many relationships run into trouble because they are taken far too seriously. If you see yourself, male or female, in this article it is purely coincidental. Please donít take it too personally or too seriously.)
I know it is politically incorrect to talk about, let alone explain or defend, men. It seems especially incorrect to do it for an Awareness issue whose focus theme is women. It is more the fad to engage in male bashing, complaints, and humor about the masculine gender of our species. Being a Taoist by nature, I believe that opposites necessitate and balance each other. Being an optimist, I also believe all things have a positive intention even if they do not have positive expressions.
Letís see if we can become aware of the positive intentions behind what women hate about men. Perhaps if women are aware there is a positive intention they will develop some understanding and compassion for men. Perhaps if men get some credit for their intentions, they will be more open to learn a more effective and efficient expression. The criticisms presented here actually come from real women in counseling. The male response also reflects the honest perception and intention of actual male clients.
Men analyze instead of validate. Men are valued for being thoughtful and analyzing everything. It is one of the things that sets us apart from the animals. It is interesting that girls are actually better academically until they become interested in boys. When developmentally, girls go to their hearts, boys go first to their hormones and then finally their minds. Some men never make this final developmental transition.
Men only think about sex. Men lack passion and romance and think a candlelit dinner is only appropriate when the kitchen light is burnt out and they havenít gotten around to changing it. These would be the men who havenít forgotten how beautiful their mates are and how much fun they had as teenagers. Regrettably, men have learned to express a number of emotions through sex. Some of these emotions include romance, sensuality, appreciation, affection, and love.
Men always try to ďfixĒ it. Men try to fix things that arenít broken, canít be fixed, and isnít theirs to fix anyway. Men believe just saying ďIím sorryĒ fixes everything. Would women really want things to stay broken? Men attempt to ďfix itĒ out of love and wanting to provide a better life.
Men are competitive and aggressive. Men are obsessed with sports, hunting, or fishing. Everything in the home stops when a major event is televised. Men want to be the best. Being a winner is important in our society. What is so wrong with wanting to be the best? Who remembers who comes in second place? Women are attracted to winners.
Men canít commit. Men can commit and want to. They just want to make sure itís right so that neither party gets hurt. Some men have troubles committing because they donít feel good enough, and fear their mates will someday leave them. Fear of commitment is often fear of abandonment and an attempt to protect both individuals.
Men never pick up after themselves or put the toilet seat down. Along with this, men never put the cap back on the toothpaste or change the roll of toilet paper. Yes, men are often easy going. They donít really expect someone to pick up after them, they just expect things to be where they left them.
Men canít accept their vulnerabilities. Men donít talk about their feelings. Men donít like public or private expressions of affection. Men donít like to talk about their feelings because they mostly operate from their heads and are often told their feelings are wrong anyway.
Men wonít admit when they are wrong, always have to be right, and have to have the last word in everything. Whenever you canít admit you are wrong, you know you are. Yes, men are wrong a lot and everyone tells them.
Men are all about power and control. Men are valued in our society as success-objects. Men are not respected at work or home if they are not seen as always in control. Men who are weak or out-of-control seldom get promoted or dates.
Men never ask for directions. They figure they will find their way eventually and usually do. Itís hard for a man to admit he doesnít know something since men get so little credit for knowing anything.
Men are just little boys who want a mother to take care of them and who will never grow up. Some women want a little boy for a playmate or someone they can take care of.
Men take women for granted and assume they will always be at home waiting for them. Men like security and often expect things to stay the same. Men honor women, knowing they tend to keep their word and commitments. Many men feel unworthy and are always grateful and surprised to see their lady still at home. They seldom say anything for fear that once acknowledged, the lady will disappear.
Men never throw anything out even if itís old, full of holes, and out of fashion. Men are thrifty when it comes to their clothes and are often not vain about their appearance. Perhaps they want to be appreciated for who they are, not what fashion statement they make. They accept that the female is the most beautiful gender of our species and help them stand out in comparison.
Men withdraw and never want to talk about something over and over again. Men never want to just listen to every little thing that went on in a womanís day or the latest gossip. Men tend to be goal directed. They havenít learned yet that the talk is the goal.
Men donít want to make all the arrangements for family gatherings even if itís their family. Men never remember birthdays or anniversaries. Men often do remember, but in the past their arrangements have not been satisfactory. They werenít valued for making them, or they want to avoid another situation where everything they do is wrong.
Men never notice a new dress, a new pair of shoes, or a new hairdo. Men never learn to answer the question ďDoes this make me look fat?Ē. Men do notice, but are seldom sure how their remarks will be accepted, so they play it safe by staying silent.
Men never know what a woman is thinking, what they want, or what is wrong without being told. Even then, men tend not to understand or remember. Men have quit trying to figure women out. They have been told they donít get it and they accept that. If you want a man to know something, tell them.
Men never know when to be gentleman and when to be bad boys. A man does know that he will get more dates by being bad than by being good.
Perhaps women believe that all men have these qualities as if it is some genetic defect. If they donít believe that men can be okay, they donít see the ones who are. Women believe their love will change a man into being who they want them to be. This implies the women are not picking what they really want to begin with. If women want a man a certain way, pick one who is already that way naturally. Itís a lot easier and much more successful.
Perhaps, the act of hating brings those qualities into a womanís life. Perhaps it is the lack of acceptance, the taking it personally, and the judgment that needs to be addressed. Judgment, like fear, insures we bring exactly what we judge and fear into our life. It is an attempt, unconsciously and karmatically, to assist our evolution.
When I asked men what they hated most about women, most said the fact that women donít seem to accept, like, or respect anything about them.
Thanks for listening, for the opportunity to be of services, and for sharing the journey.
Lynn Seiser, Ph.D. is an internationally-respected psychotherapist in Seal Beach, CA with more than twenty years of direct clinical experience in recovery counseling for offenders and victims of violence, trauma and abuse. He is known for his work in ďholisticĒ recovery from addictions with an emphasis on ďhealthy relation-ships.Ē Lynn may be contacted at (562) 799-1371. Also please check out his website at WWW.members.aol.com/SeiserL/index.html
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